Why does my child need so much help getting ready and out the door?
There are many reasons your child may have a hard to getting ready and out the door. A few of the factors that I look at as a child therapist are:
Motivation: is there enough motivation to transition from their home (typically the safe space for highly sensitive or neurodivergent kids)?
Anxiety about the unknown or unpredictable: anxiety thrives around the unknown, and some children have a difficult time visualizing what will be happening when they leave the home. Even if they are going to ride in the car to a familiar location, like school, it may be tough for their brain to use executive functions to “see” themselves at the next location. This can trigger anxiety and avoidance of getting ready.
Sensory issues: Does your child seem sensitive to certain clothing, the seams on their socks, tags on shirts, or certain pants? They may have tactile sensitivities that make getting dressed feel painful or uncomfortable, and thus avoid getting ready. Stress or hunger in the morning can exacerbate these issues.
Executive Function Challenges: If your child struggles to hold in mind directions you have them, easily loses their train of thought, or can’t seem to follow more than one direction, they may be struggling with executive function capacities. Read on to understand at what age you can typically expect a child to follow instructions and remember tasks, and when it may be a sign of executive function differences.
“Why is it so hard for my child to go through these simple steps???”
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You probably know what it feels like to have to chase your child around, reminding them that it’s time to go, finding them clothes, telling them to eat their breakfast, and finally losing it as you scramble out the door just in time or crazy-late. This type of experience is something I have experienced myself as the parent of a neurodivergent child but also as a therapist who works with kids ages 3-15. Parents of kids between these age ranges across the board have concerns about what’s normal, and why it’s so tough for even an elementary age child to get out the door. In this post I focus specifically on the experience of neurodivergent (kids who may be ADHDers, have a diagnosis if Autism, have sensory differences, or other differences like dyslexia or auditory processing disorder). These children have many strengths and also often experience difficulty with planning ahead in the ways that neurotypical parenst expect.
For example, your child may not respond to your repeated verbal reminders because their brain does not best process information that’s delivered verbally very well. They may work much better with visual reminders, alarms set to phones, a visual calendar, or other creative ways of structuring their plan that does not include listening to your words.
When parents join my online community, the is the area they unpack first: what are some creative ways they can be neuro-affirming and notice and respect the ways their child processes information best? And, what are the areas that may be stressful or painful for the child that they can take into account, such as those sensory sensitivities that may be impacting their desire to get dressed, or the chaos and overwhelm that might be felt at school that’s keeping them wishing to stay home.
Overall, your first step in creating a new plan for getting out the door that is empowering to your child is asking yourself these type of questions:
Are there any sensory issues that might be stressful for my child?
How does their regulation state at the time impact their ability to stay on-task, be present, or follow instructions? For example, if they are hungry, anxious, or feeling disconnected from me, they are most likely dysregulated.
How can I best communicate with my child based on their individual differences? Getting on eye level, using gentle touch, or using a visual of what’s coming next are a few methods of communication that may be more effective than verbal reminders.
You know how most parents of neurodivergent kids feel completely isolated and judged by the larger parenting culture? We need connection with parents who understand what it’s like to raise a neurdivergent and complex child, so that we can learn from one another, share resources, and stop feeling judged by parents who don’t get it. Click on the image to join the waitlist for the parent resource community.
Click the image to get your free printable chart and identify signs of a stress response in your child.